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Saturday, August 6th, 2005
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5:30 pm
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Huggs from Atti/John, Conversations with Devin: 0
Pieces of candy: 1
Emo Greg Moments: 2 (one of them was just a conversation I had with THE MAR about Greg and why he is being so emo.)
Harry Potter Moments: Only like two. I watched the third movie again and tried to get my sister to read the books again.
~*~*~
I went to a birthday party of one of my older friends. older as in I've known her longer. It's nice because we don't have to talk about mature subjects. I like to be immature and be around people who are just as innocent as me (though my other friends aren't too bad, they just exude a certain amount of non-innocence ;P ). So that's why I had an absolute blast.
After that I was in a pretty good mood. My sister got a kitten so I hung out with that little butt-munchkin for a while and then my parents went to a party and I (being the scardy-cat that I am) had to invite Melanie over to keep me company (and safe).
Mel says that one of her friends thinks I'm hott or cute or something. But I really hate guys right now, y'know? Like I feel like they are all out to get one thing or that they don't care about how a girl is, just how she looks and how big her boobs are. And I think that's the only reason this guy could like me. He just comes off as kinda a slutty guy to me and I've heard stories that may or may not be true.
I don't see how any of her friends could even think that I'm cool as a person though because the only times that I have hung out with them (like in school and stuff) were when I was either really bitchy or quiet. And I usually do something to make a fool of myself or Mel embarrasses me on accident. I dunno...
Ehh... I'm kinda in a fanfic mood so I'muh gonnuh go-uh readuh fanuhfictionuh. I'll talk about Harry Potter some other time.
-Ashley Arsenic
current mood:  nervous
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| Thursday, August 4th, 2005
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6:02 pm - Home from NoWhere
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I guess I just get too bored to update this thing but I'm in an especially Harry/Draco mood after I FINALLY got around to reading 'Underwater Light' by Maya. I honestly don't know what took my lazy ass so long...
Anyway, now that it's summer (a little bit later than mid-summer actually) I think it's about time to stop thinking and writing about Atti and Devin and John and everyone else.
Wait, I just wanna say this first. I broke up with John. Thank God. But I ACCIDENTALLY made myself sound really lesbian in the process. I mentioned how I'm not interested in guys right now because of somehting that happened to my best friend when I actually should have said that I don't want a relationship with a guy right now (especially not him). And to make matters worse, I had to bring up the fact that I'm absolutely dizzy for Atti. Well, needless to say, he went around and started telling everyone I'm lesbiam and I have just had to deal with that far to many times to be okay with it by now. So I'm gonna put pepperronies in his locker next year.
Anyway, I'm going to try to dedicate this journal more to my interests and less to my dilemas. So... Harry/Draco. You better be ready for it. But I'm far too busy "cleaning my room" right now to write more. I'll probably be back on the computer in another five minutes though. Just to talk about HBP and all the Harry/Draco hints in the canon. YES! JKR YOU PULLED THROUGH!
current mood:  pensive
current music: Banned from the Roxy -Crass
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| Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
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6:44 pm - Ahhh, I thought I had gotten rid of you!
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Well, I suppose I will just have to try harder next time. Once again the thrall has conquered all. Just when I think that I will be robot-free, he wiggles out of the little traps he has built for himself. I know that I have spoken so highly of him, but he is a sickingly dangerous person and he has threatened several of my friends.
Here's what happened:
He ran away from home and Greg, Maryanna and I were the only ones who knew where he was hiding from them with Atti... Unfortunately, he hadn't been getting along too well with the rest of his friends (telling them that he was gonna get them and that he thought they were discusting and that they would ruin his plans for "the long-run") and they had been sick of him anyway, so when they came by Greg's house, he happened to let slip where they were and one of Devin's best friends ratted him out. We were all very thrilled that he would be leaving concidering his parents are almost as bad as mine. We were even concidering calling the cops because of some of the stuff that he claims to have done.
Well, Devin called Greg later while Maryanna, he and I were shaking with fear that Devin would know we had told and come after us, but all he said was that his parents were sending him to Northern Cali. YAY! right? I was a bit upset because of the thrall, y'know? I was loosing him and I would never see him again. But Atti would be free from his restraints and I wouldn't have to deal with his sociopath-ness. So I made myself be happy that he wouldn't be at school on Tuesday. Or ever.
Well he was. And he's not moving. All that's happening is he's getting counseling. And all my friends now know the truth of how I feel about him because I was so emotional that night that he had run away that I told them all. And I'm still under the thrall so I continue to 'be his friend'.
I AM SO MAD!
current mood:  disappointed
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| Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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7:10 pm
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Hugs from John: Ha! An infinite amount.
Hugs from Atti: NONE! ::sob::
Conversations with Devin: The normal amount which has changed to about 2 a day.
Pieces of candy: 1 pack of m&m's.
People who thought I was high: None but I know people who really were....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
His name is Devin, my name is Hypnotized
I realize that he is dangerous. He REALLY REALLY is. But I can't help but wait for those times when I can talk to him, when I can look into his eyes and REALLY talk to him. He has a thrall that I just can't escape from, no matter how much I hate who he is. And I REALLY do hate who he is.
He was supposed to get jumped today and since he didn't have his butterfly on him, he was just going to gauge out one of their (as in the people who were planning on jumping him) eyes. He demonstated how easy it woul be by grabbing my head and I was so scared that he was puttting his thumb so close to my eye. "And see, you just have to poke it in there and there's really nothing preventing you from popping it or puncturing the brain." That's nice Devin, now please unhand my head.
I love my Greg. He is so cute and happy yet suicidal that I just want to squish him! I have never met a fat hawaiian punk rocker that I love more. He's just so ignorant. I can't stand it...
John is John.
Atti is Atti.
Melanie and I got in a fight last week. I was so depressed that I didn't shower for like three days and I didn't clean or do homework or anything that I knew I was supposed to. But we worked things out and I almost cried.
Therepy on Monday.
I'm hoping that my parents are still okay with me going to the Flatfoot56 show. They're Christian Punk Rock and that is NOT an oxymoron! Yay, maybe I will find a cute Christian punk rock boy to call my own! Sorry John...
I might like Hobby Boy. Only because he is really smart and he is obviously not cute. NO WAY! But he found out and so... I dunno. I think he's intimidated by me because I'm a freak. I LOVE SMART BOYS!!!
I saw a really cute guy when I was walking to bio today. I've seen him once before but my thoughts got off subject and I forgot about him. He has purple-ish-tinted hair and gorgeous eyes and this self-concious look on his face. He's a bit emo-looking but... ah well!
They think we're together, I think we're confused
Note to Self: Hate Devin
Note to Self: Stalk purple-ish-tinted hair boy
Note to Self: Stay away from Hobby Boy
Note to Self: Focus on ONE GUY AT A TIME! ::cough:John:cough::
Note to Self: Shower despite depression
current mood: enthralled
current music: STRAIGHEDGE, Minor Threat
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| Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
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9:13 pm
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Well... things with John and me have changed... though I would rather not say how and I kinda wish they didn't change. Simply because my feeling for him have changed.
I'm a bad person.
But John is unimportant. What is more important is that I'm starting to have a life again. I'm gonna start hanging out with friends and I'm going to a Flatfoot56 show next Sunday! I want to start writing my stories again, too. I guess I just feel kinda bad because I haven't updated in a while.
I kissed ATTI on the cheek. It made me blush...
I like her a lot.
I'm being forced to go to Hawaii instead of taking summer school so that I can get into AP Chem. I'm pretty upset.
current mood:  busy
current music: Personality Crisis -New York Dolls
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| Thursday, April 14th, 2005
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4:29 pm
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Later Today...
Hugs from John: He didn't go to school today.
Hugs from Atti: Who's Atti?.
Conversations with Devin: No conversations but he did say hi and bye and he was staring at me all day like he wanted to talk to me. I think he realizes that I'm probably the only person there that he can have an intelligent conversation with.
Pieces of candy: 1 pack of m&m's, 1 pack of sour patch watermellions, 1 pack of reces sticks, and half a chocolate bar.
People who thought I was high: Probably those guys in my spanish class. Maybe, but I was REALLY mellow today.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Her name is... unspeakable, my name is emo.
I finally went to school today, though I wish I hadn't. It just wasn't worth it. I'm just so sick of all this crappy wmotional stuff. I'm probably just PMSing.
a) John wasn't here
b) Stupid, slutty, ugly, dumb, attention seeking, 'unspeakable' was here. I tried to avoid looking or thinking of her... but she was RIGHT THERE!!!
c) The stupid aptitude test didn't have a caagory for those who like art, animals, have strong morals, are in touch with feelings, enjoy debates and stimulating conversations, and like to be alone.
d) I started crying during bio.
e) Hayley insisted upon being Juliet for the umpteenth time.
f) Maryanna didn't pick up her phone during lunch.
g) everyone got to hang out after school but me. Oh well, I can't stand being in the presence of stupid people and pregnant, premiscuous teenagers for too long.
h) Maryanna tried to be my therapist again.
i) Melanie proved to be as un-vegan as I knew she was by eating chocolate ("I didn't buy it, so it's okay!")
Wow, that's kinda a lot. I hardly talked at all today. And when I did I was just either all gloomy or raging mad. And Greg thinks I'm more insane then neo-nazi Devin. He told me that he seriously did. And he thinks I'm bisexual even though I tried to tell him that I'm really not. I don't want to get into explaining all that.
They think I'm okay, I think I'm better.
Note to self: Keep cute red-headed girl out of mind.
Note to self: Start stimulating conversation with Devin.
Note to self: Visit the crumple zone for further Hypno-Skanking.
current mood: sad
current music: Fuck the USA, the exploited
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8:56 am
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Today...
Hugs from John: I'm missing school to study for honors world geography.
Hugs from Atti: Same as the above.
Conversations with Devin: same as the above.
Pieces of candy: None so far.
People who thought I was high: Missing PE so therefore missing the chance to flaunt my oh so wonderful paddle tennis skills (aka missing the chance to look like I just finished smoking a barrel of pot)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Her name is Atti, my name is defeated.
I really thought things would work out. It just seemed so right. I couldn't see how things could end up bad. And then they did.
She knew I liked her from the beginning and she didn't even care. She started hugging me more and we seemed to be getting closer. And then we seemed to get further and further apart. And now I want her to just go away.
I heard rumers that she had done 'stuff' with her friend Katie, but Katie told me none of it was true. But last night, Greg told me he saw it and that Atti had confessed it to Devin that she had done... more than I expected with a girl.
I guess I just feel like I can't do what she wants me to. Because I wouldn't. But I can't look at her without wanting to kiss her. And now I have to.
I'm officially trying to get over her.
1. She has a boyfriend.
2. She would probably want to go further than I would if anything did happen between us.
3. She HAS gone further than I want her to.
It is just too much for me. I dont know what I was expecting. I dont know how I could have thought things would be so perfect. So I guess I am just going to have to start having stronger feeling for John in order to get over her.
They think it's normal, I think it's sickening.
Note to self: Don't look at Atti all day... or ever.
Note to self: Don't speak with Atti either.
Note to self: Don't talk about Atti...
Note to self: Don't think about Atti.
Note to self: DESTROY ATTI!
current mood: depressed
current music: Falling in Love agian... -The Adicts version
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| Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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4:15 pm
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Today...
Hugs from John: Lost count after about 7.
Hugs from Atti: 0 (Her absence may explain my lack of hugs from her) (I wish).
Conversations with Devin: 1(a bit of a pathetic one)
Pieces of candy: About 15 jelly-beans, 2 skittles and a piece of chocolate. So far.
People who thought I was high: I wasn't at all hyper so probably no one.
Heads that Melanie kissed: 3
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
His name is John, my name is trapped.
I can't go out with John, even if he wanted to.
a) Because he just broke up with Rachelle who would kill me in an instant and get everyone to hate me and I would be exiled.
b) Because his cousin, who is also our friend, MIGHT still like me. He acts the same as he did when he liked me but he likes this other girl. I hope he doesn't like me anymore. John is too nice to hurt someone by getting involved with someone they like.
c) It could potentially ruin my relationship with John. Enough said.
d) My parents would not allow me to hang out with him, as I'm not allowed to hang out with guys until my sixteenth birthday. Damn them...
f? jk e) I'm just not a good relationship person. I'll feel like I'm doing the right thing and that things will be comfortable and different than other times before anything happens. But when things do happen, it all falls to pieces.
But none of that matters since he doesn't like me. Right? I know that he has been really... close with alot of girls since the break-up, but he has been really close with me. He just stands there and holds me and gives me all this attention. It's nice... but I don't know what it means...
I think I'll just play the friend thing out. See how close we get.
I've been really depressed lately. It's really more of a moody thing, but wven in the moments when I'm super hyper, I still feel sad and lonely. I just have too much to think about right now...
They think things are okay, I think things are rotten.
Note to self: Get to therepy as soon as possible
Note to self: Don't be flirty with any guys... okay, be a little flirty with John.
Note to self: Call Fat Greg
current mood:  irritated
current music: Tango, the adicts
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| Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
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6:22 pm
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Today...
Hugs from John: 4, 5, 6?
Hugs from Atti: 0, woe is me.
Conversations with Devin: 1
Pieces of candy: 50? (small pieces, mind you)
People who thought I was high: 2 that I know of.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
His name is Devin, my name is Ashley
When I first saw Devin, I thought he was gorgeous. I still do. at the time, he had long black hair, now it's short and he has a devil's lock. He is tall, thin, pale, and (yay!) he wears eye-liner. I guess he sorta looks like Davie Havok of AFI, and he loves that band like crazy. Strangely enough, one of the first things I learned about him was that he was bisexual. Weird, no? And I knew he was straightedge by the X's on his hands. But I always saw him as some kind of god... sort of. And I may have been attracted to him at one point, but certainly not anymore.
I became friends with him and we talked a lot, and then we stopped talking all together. He's really quiet, so it's hard to make conversation with him anyway. Just recently though, we sarted talking again.
Just recently, he came out of his neo-nazi/racist/fascist closet. I have learned so much about what Devin beleives a perfect world would be, what his plans are for the future, and neither of them were very pleasant. Let me tell you now, Devin is a screwed up sociopath who might just be the anti-christ. But he is still nice to me. And I want to understand his beleifs better. So that is why I am friends with him. People think I have something for him. But I could never be attracted to someone who is as close-minded and cold-hearted as him.
He's going out with Atti now, and I kinda think he could be gay. Only because she looks a bit like a guy. It's weird though, to think of someone as emotionless as him, having feelings like that for someone. Maybe I'm wrong and he's not emotionless. But he sure as hell has something missing that most people have. Well, at least I have it. How could one feel no remorse in killing another human being?
They think he'll end up in jail, I think he'll end up in a mental hospital.
Note to self: Don't go down dark allies with scary AFI kids.
Note to self: Don't be obvious about plan to steal Atti from scart AFI kid.
Note to self: Bite the armfat of any pedestrian who dares to perform the skank of the stiff.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Bloody Revolutions, Crass
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| Monday, April 11th, 2005
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9:34 pm - No, I don't like John
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I'm a little scared that I'm gonna start liking John. He's really cute, and super funny, and nearly too nice, and he's my friend and there is always that possibility that he could like me. Like when I hang out with him, he hugs me a lot (though he hugs everyone) and he puts his arms around me and phold me and says "Ashley's comfortable, I like Ashley," and stuff like that. Grrr... But he just broke up with his girl friend who is a friend/aquiantance of mine. And she's pretty torn up about it.... And anyway, with my parents, I'm not a good 'relatioinship' person. Unless it's with Atti. Cuz she's a girl! Anyway, I'm gonna see where this little 'John' thing goes.
Melanie got in a car accident. I'm scared. She sounded like she was crying. She just needs to learn to be less reckless. I'm kinda glad my parents dont waant me driving with her just yet... I dunno...
I think I'm gonna turn this journal into a kinda Birdget Jone's diary sorta thing... except my own ideas... ehh... we'll see what it looks like.
current mood: confused
current music: CLASH CITY ROCKA'S!
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| Sunday, April 10th, 2005
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1:52 pm
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I was supposed to go to therepy tomarrow but my dad has to cansel it. He has no idea all the things that I need to talk to her about. I just can't keep these emotions and thoughts corked up inside of me for this long. I thik two weeks is long enough but he wants to do taxes so he said it would probably be another week! I think my step-mom is gonna take me though.
Ever since they found out that my cousin's friend is pregnant they have been really nice to me and telling me what a good kid I am. It's really weird but I figure it's a good time to show how well-behaived I can be and maybe they will let me start hanging out with my friends again. My therepist has told them that I make good decisions and stuff but they dont seem to believe her.
So here's what I gotta talk to her about:
1) My best friend adding anti-phycotics to her list of pills she takes.
2) The ever growing fear of death and eternity that has caused me countless panic attacks and tearful nights. (I can't look at the sky at night because it makes me think of eternity).
3)My mom getting an apartment so I'm considering seeing her again (it's been a year and a half) if she goes to therepy and church and tells me all her little secrets (like her job) (do I want to know?).
4) Whole Atti situation about how I told my mom and she got all weird about it (I was talking to her last night and I started to tell her something about these three girl and she automatically assumed I was talking about lesbian stuff or something).
5) How I'm gonna rip Neo-Nazi Devin's head off if he keeps being so nice to me and if he doesn't start seeing that Atti is not right for him.
6) How I get paranoid that everyone hates me and all my friends can see it.
Well, the family's at disneyland right now. I get the whole house to myself for a day and what will I do?
Go on the computer and clean my room...
current mood:  indifferent
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| Friday, April 8th, 2005
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10:00 pm
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8:33 pm - A bit unsure...
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I'm having one of those "I'm not so sure..." days. Some things have been really good, and others have been... depressing I guess.
So I'll cut to the chase and just explain myself. Things were good because I got to miss the first four periods of school (which in fact may be bad) in order to study for my bio test. And I think I did pretty well! Maybe. But I got myself looking all pretty and wore decent clothes. Well, I thought they were decent. My hair was actually up for once! And I just felt amazing going to school like that. My mask that I made for English was easily the best in the class and I'm glad I could show them all that I take things (like art) seriously and I'm not just some goof-off punk-rock-loving paranoid out-spoken yet somehow introverted freak. Who know's, maybe they will be able to read some of my writing soon. That would change their minds about me!
As I was saying...
Things were going pretty well. Devin actually started a conversation with me during lunch which went nicely and I managed to finish my Spanish homework before Mr. Martinez checked it. I took my hair out at the end of school and all my friends liked how my hair got all poofy curly after it had been gelled and hair-sprayed and put up in some messy fashion. It was nice. And John is single now so it was nice to have him pay attention to me even if I know I could never go out with him.
Now on to the bad stuff...
During lunch I was very sad because I remembered my mom's reaction to what I had told her last night. And what great timing for Davin and Atti to just decide to get all affectionate and kiss. So maybe it was only a peck on the lips, and yeah, they almost definately have not made out (because neither of them are the type to do that) (Well, at least not with each other) (I'm not just saying that, all my friends agree!), but it still bothered me! I dunno I dunno I JUST DON'T KNOW!
I got a deviantart account. I dont really know when I'll actually put anything in it. I should though. Kay, that's all I have to say right now...
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| Thursday, April 7th, 2005
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7:57 pm
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I guess I've just been really obsessed with Atti lately. More than usual, at least. But I made a huge mistake today. My mom called me (whom I haven't seen in a year and a half) and I decided to tll her about my feelings for Atti. And she said in a very disappointed voice, like she was reading my report card, "Oh, Ashley..." I quickly explained to her that I was neither lesbian nor bi but she just said, "It's all right, I'll accept you for what you are," and "I have plenty of gay family members," though I have heard of none. And then she changed the subject. Pleh...
I TRIED TO TELL HER THAT IT'S JUST AN INFATUATION BUT SHE THINKS IM LESBIAN!!! GRrRrRr! I don't know what do do. I just hope she doesn't talk to my dad or my step-mom. That would be bad.
Oh well, I better get back to doing homework.... GR!
current mood: busy
current music: Roxanne, from the Moulin Rouge.
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| Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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9:34 pm - The Story of Atti
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K, I'll make this as short as possible. I'm straight, or something near it. I like guys, and I sware I'm not just closeted. But there was this one girl... okay, there IS this one girl, Atti, and I just LOVE her. Okay, so it's not love. But I really like her and I have since October. LATE october, mind you.
I think it's just cuz she's kinda boyish. She kinda dresses like one a little, and she has short hair, but she's still really pretty. She's has gorgeous eyes! Anyway, she likes punk and she seemed soo perfect, and then I learned more about her and found that she is OBSESSED with attention and she makes stupid jokes. Oh well, I'll live.
But I felt like she was playing with my head, cuz she found out that I liked her and she didn't care AT ALL and she said she was the same way (she told my friend, we never talked about any of this stuff)-- not straight but not bi or anything else. So I thought, hey, I have a chance. And it felt like it too. I actually started to hang out with her and she hugged me a lot and tried to make eye contact a lot and asked me to go to like the lunch line or somehting with her and talked to me for a while. AND SHE KNEW I LIKED HER THE WHOLE TIME! It was nice, but I really feel like I was just being played with because then she told me that she liked this guy and it was just really akward but the next day we went to a party together and she was EVEN MORE flirty with me!
I dunno.... Then I decided to stay away from her more and stop talking to her so much and now it's april and it was December then and I'm still kinda distant from her. AND she started going out with the guy that I started to like in order to get over her! But I don't like him now. Grrr...
But I did talk to her today, which was why I wrote this. We talked and she put her binder and stuff on mine! XD!!! I LOVE HER!!! Okay, it's not love...
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| Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
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4:38 pm - pth
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I'm hungry.
I had a good day, up until lunch...
First, I got up at five and actually finished my biology homework! No easy task, I'll tell you that! Then Melanie and I went jogging at 6 and we ran around the block like three times without stopping. I HATE running, but suddenly it's not so bad. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really out of shape or anything. I'm just slow. Anyway, then I took a shower and actually had time to staighten my hair and do my make-up all nicely. And when I say nicely, I mean I didn't look like a heroin addict for once. I wore a lot less! Plushies for me! Anyway, I turned in all my homework today, so that was pretty cool. I guess I usually do, but I generally have to endure a lot more stress.
I almost fell out of my chair just now.
Anywho, lunch way crappy because Ryen, whom I have been attempting to avoid now that I'm bored with him (I know, it's bad, but I have problems with 'relationships'), retrieved me from my Bio clas so that I could walk with him to lunch. Thing is, I was planning on hanging out with some of my other friends (like I have been trying to do for the past week!). So I excused my self as I had 'to go see my English teacher', which was conveniently right next to where my darling 'freaky' friends hang out.
So anyway, Atti had come back from San Francisco so her and Devin were all hang-y out-y. So I was therefore quite sad. WHY WON'T SHE JUST ADMIT HER UNDYING LOVE FOR ME! I like them being together because Devin is hapy, and I'd rather him be happy with her than some short-skirt-wearing, hair-flipping bimbo! But still, I REALLY like her... I think....
Her hair looked different today...
I guess I'm kinda jealous of her though, more than I am of Devin. I dont like Devin like that, but he is gorgeous and he's the only other inteligent person in out group but I can't even talk to him because he's with Atti and I feel weird talking to other girls' boyfriends. Grrr... THEY GET EACHOTHER AND I GET NO ONE! Except Ryan.
I guess I just want Devin as a friend, and Atti as somehting more than that. Like that will ever happen.....
And Raeven is an annoying glam rock loving, poseur, slut, druggie, who tries to get everyone to love her. WHY DO I STILL FEEL LIKE I'M HER FRIEND SOMETIMES??? She thinks I am and I'm too nice to even say, "Raeven, you're just too much for me..."
I guess that's all I have to say... for now.
current mood: indescribable
current music: Mr. Bright Side, The Killers (Bleh, not my type of music)
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| Monday, April 4th, 2005
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9:35 pm - I dunno.....
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I guess this is kinda my first entry. Umm.... I should be doing homework.... so thats what I'm gonna do! Gotta get into a good university, don't I?
current mood: lazy
current music: Last Rockers, Vice Squad
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